Creating the Illusion of Success . . . Why Being Too Responsible for the Actions of Our Children is Not a Good Idea!

When we take too much responsibility for the accomplishments of our children, we find ourselves doing more than we should in order to maintain the illusion of success. It becomes all too easy to forget that we are not the ones getting the education, writing the paper, preparing for the test, or completing the project. We want our children to earn good grades, get into a good high school, advance to a great college, achieve unbelievable success, and live happily ever after. In the process, we also want to protect them from hardships, disappointments, and failures.

Why is this a problem? When we care more than our children do about their responsibilities, we do too much, and they do too little. On the surface, everything looks like it is going well. We might even be able to ensure that they get accepted into the college of their dreams; however, we can't go there with them. That's when the illusion gets shattered.

Those of us who take our responsibilities very seriously can do this quite well. We make sure our children turn in homework with no mistakes. We agonize over their grades. We stay up until all hours of the night working on a project that was assigned weeks ago. We run to the store at the last minute searching for supplies for a project that is due the next day. We might even fill out their college applications for them. Sure, we yell at our children and ask them why they refuse to take responsibility for themselves. We bemoan the fact that we have so much "homework" to do and dream of the time when they will graduate so we can finally take a break.

Why aren't our children more responsibile? The fact is that they don't have to be. Here are some of the reasons:

• Our society has become so focused on success and achievement that we feel judged as parents when our children do not constantly shine.
• We are afraid to let them directly experience the consequences of being unprepared or wrong.
• We have lost sight of the lessons inherent in making mistakes.
• Our children know someone is always willing to trail behind them and pick up the pieces.
• We over-emphasize the importance of having the right answer, the perfect paper, the most creative project.
• Learning takes a second place to getting a good grade.
• Self-evaluation for our children becomes secondary to worrying about our reactions.
• They have grown up in an instant gratification society.
• We don't like to see our loved ones struggle, despite the fact that it is in the very act of struggling that growth takes place.

Copyright © 2008 by Holly Cox, L.C.P.C., C.D.C.®